RE: Rising Anti-Asian Hate Crimes … I Have Grief Beyond Despair
I still can’t find the words to process how I have been feeling since the onset of a pandemic a year ago as Asian hate crimes still continue to rise in Canada and the US (and I’m sure other areas of the world). Long before the pandemic, the most violent outburst of racism I experienced was in a subway in Toronto. The experience of racial slurs being yelled at me and a man getting up into my face left me visibly stricken. I yelled STOP yet no one around me cared enough to help. My friend dragged me off before it would have gotten confrontational. But as I began to cry in the aftermath, all the pent up anger of overt or covert racism I or others have faced can sometimes come all bubbling up. Why? Why does this happen? And then not so long after, resorting to a spiral of self hate, guilt, and then shame. I’ve grown up resenting who I am, where I come from. Yet finally as I’ve come to terms with the undeniable realities countless minorities and historically oppressed groups face, I sometimes let the pain and grief seep through. *Obviously hidden behind a hard, I can do anything exterior. Because at the end of the day we’re this “model minority.” Very devastating to see how Asians can be conveniently used to wedge divides between groups and then just as quickly be toppled down and labelled as “the other.” Very fascinating how everything can seemingly switch in the blink of the eye. No former President or leader can directly cause racism though of course, they can amplify existing prejudices or biases… I think these manifestations of hate have perhaps always existed and now COVID-19 has given a justifiable reason to act upon them.
I am tired. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am happy. I am trying. I am so many things and doing my best to be the very best I can be. But I wonder how long my heart can take it.
Currently, I’ve been burrowing my head into research on this troubling trend and working on a project trying to turn all this anger and hurt into something positive, but I’ve tried to share my writings and then stopped. Would anyone care? Last year, after hearing about an elderly man being assaulted on the street, I thought of my own grandfather. I thought of all our grandfathers, our grandparents, our parents… that was someone’s child, loved one, parent, co-worker, friend… when did we forget that?
I don’t know when I’ll be able to share all the painstakingly broken reflections I’ve had on racism whether it’s for the Black or Asian community anytime soon. But I hope to share this opinion article below as it succinctly captures some of my feelings that have been bottled up since last year.
Thank you for being here. For listening. For caring.
-C
“Unprocessed grief and unacknowledged racial dynamics continue to haunt our social relations. The discourse of racial identity has obscured the history of American racial entanglements. And why is entanglement important? Because the challenge of democracy is not about identifying with someone like yourself (that’s easy to do) nor about giving up your self-interest (that’s hard to ask). It’s about learning to see your self-interest as profoundly and inevitably entwined with the interests of others.
But is this a lesson Americans are prepared to hear?
Asian-Americans are tired of insisting that others care. The truth is that few are listening. All we can do is to continue to tell our truths, to know, even just for ourselves, that we are here. As the poet Rita Dove wrote, “Here, / it’s all yours, now — / but you’ll have / to take me, / too”
