Things I’ve Learned as I Turn 21

Here’s an ode to me turning twenty-one. Like every year as I reflect, I realize how fortunate I am to be alive. To have come across wonderful spectacular and loving beings that have taught me so much through how they live and to have imparted a piece of their mind, heart, and souls to me. I wish with anything to continue to be a reflection of that selfless gift. So here, as I collect my thoughts and reflections of a year filled with combatting my fears like living abroad in a foreign country and tackling the intricacies of health. This is by no means an exhaustive list and my brain is always filled with much more than these 7 things but since 7 is my favourite number, here we go:

The next three are going to be on choice, the act of decision making…

1. There is always a choice

We all face countless decisions in a given day perhaps even more so now for younger folks of the coming generations that we can face decision overload. Nonetheless, as baffling as it can be to make a choice, there is always a choice. And that in itself is both powerful and liberating. When at the end of a work day, and we are so exhausted or something terrible has happened and we really can’t be bothered. We still have the choice to decide our response to our external environments. Choosing to respond with empathy and kindness when the driver in front of us cuts us off isn’t easy. Choosing to respond respectfully doesn’t mean squeezing out your rights or your voice. It’s about choosing what to let in and what not. We can still choose to respond respectfully when a kid at the grocery store stomps on your foot or spills juice on your new sneakers. As David Foster Wallace points out, this choosing will sometimes be against our natural instinct or our hardwired reactions but there is meaning and there is freedom from choosing to respond from a place of understanding and reflection. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. And none of us choose who we are born to or where we grow up. There are some of us who are more privileged to have more choices or to not find ourselves in limiting situations where certain options seem futile or out of reach. Nonetheless as disappointing life can be at times, the facts that it will continue to be that way for a duration of time unless something changes. Policy change takes time to trickle down. Meaningful and sustainable change is a long process. Yet while there are people out there fighting for change, for oppressed and discriminated groups, there is potential within the individual. Within all of us to acknowledge the privileges we do or don’t have through an intersectional approach and work towards developing that confidence and resiliency to shift the perception or attitude to which events life throws at us. It’s integral to recognize however, you still have the power to make a change, the power that comes from making that choice.

2. Choose what to care about

As learned from one of my favourite bloggers, Mark Manson, value, people, and opportunities are meaningful but having too many of them means that the amount of time you’re investing into each becomes only surface level. I know that our society finds the ability to commit to something very attractive and we could argue about whether or not we should value this. But in our world, we value commitment to relationships or to jobs (at least for a certain part of time) because otherwise, people would become flaky. If people left jobs at the first experience of discomfort and challenge then it would be hard to grow both personally or professionally. In essence, his NY times best selling book The Subtle Art of Not Giving any F**** is characterized again by choice. The act of choosing. The ability to discern from things that provide you the most joy and value. Because “when you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else”. Cue the classic cost-benefit analysis and sunken cost theories of economics. We don’t have a lot of time here on this earth. We don’t have a lot of time sometimes in a given day. You simply can’t care about everyone and everything because it will leave you exhausted and spread thin, burnt out, and flat out, not excited about whatever it is that you are truly passionate about or good at. I think I learnt this best when I alleviated the guilt I felt from not being able to check in with friends. It’s okay to not check in with everyone or everything. Sometimes that time can be better invested into more efforts within a given area which could more likely bring about longer, more sustainable change. At the end of the day, our choices reflect our values. If we choose to care about or put our time into certain activities, it means we actually stand for something.

3. There is no “right” choice

We shouldn’t be afraid of making choices because “best” ones don’t always exist. We need to decide who we truly are instead. There is not one “best” decisions because you mold into each decision. Each decision you make, you can make it into the best one. This goes for a career path or a way of living life. We need the diversity! We need all our unique human beings that have their own passions and interest and make this world go round. Simply, put, you doing you will only result in the best decision (I broke my own rule there) but essentially, if you live life the way you believe aligns according to your values then believe that one day when you’ve gone and lived each day of your life doing that, you won’t have regrets.

4. Take the time to stop and smell the flowers

I get it. We live in a world fueled by convenience. Where time is money is time is money. And it can be hard not to especially in North America where our lives our catered to convenience. Ten minute lunches. Single use plastics. The driver that cuts you off to get to their final destination literally seconds ahead. People are busy busy busy. Yet how much time do we realistically spend scrolling mindlessly or texting. But if we take a few minutes to check in with people. To tell people we love that we love them. To send a thank you. To give someone a hug. Make eye contact and smile on the streets. How much more civility would be fostered? Taking the time to smell flowers can be used literally. To take a moment to appreciate the environment and Mother Earth around us. Life is short and sometimes the places and the people that you take for granted may soon be gone as life changes for everyone. Life is fragile and It can change in an instant too.

5. Each moment and each person is an invitation to learn

Experts are crucial in our day and age especially since we’re surrounded by disinformation. But what this point is about, is the fact that there is always an opportunity to learn and to view each given moment as a chance. We might not work our dream jobs or be studying what we want. There are always going to be things outside of our control. Work that is so mind numbingly pointless or people we can’t stand. But everyone has something to teach others just as everyone has the capability to learn something from someone. Never discount someone’s ability to teach something valuable just because they don’t have a fancy title or elite education. Always remember that. Remain humble because someone will always be better than you at something you have no clue in.

6. Love yourself

This is more than a cheesy mantra. And it’s one I reiterate again and again. But this is more than self care and taking time to foster your own well being. It’s about coming to acceptance about what your body tells you. What your limits are. What type of boundaries you need to have so that people don’t overstep them to take advantage or disrespect you. It’s about knowing your self worth and knowing that you are worthy. That you deserve to forgive yourself, to be forgiven, and to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer. It’s about recognizing your own potential. It’s about knowing that you have the capacity to love and to be loved. It comes from putting yourself first not in selfish terms but knowing your limits and what you should or shouldn’t do given your energy, time, and resources. This is also for those out there that too often care too much about what others think. Which I do all the time. This is about not giving a crap about the nay-sayers or the people who aren’t invested in your well being, happiness, or success (which I define as growth). Listen to the people who matter, who you love only. And that includes listening to yourself. It’s also recognizing that in the grand scheme of things who really gives a shit about you except yourself? You spend the most time with yourself more than anyone else in this world. You can be your own best friend or your worst enemy. You can choose to support and empower yourself or you can choose to put yourself down. Also people really don’t care! In the sense that everyone is so busy that if you mess up or wear your shirt inside out, by the time next week rolls around people will have forgotten. You waved to someone while you had spinach in your teeth? Who cares? It’s embarrassing but it’s not the end of the world. Take the time to tune yourself to your own values and treasure yourself for the rest of your life because let’s be honest you deserve it.

7.Forge opportunities for yourself. Be your own advocate.

Waiting around for things to happen? Well, most likely they might not happen. I was riding the 99 bus in Vancouver to school when the bus doors were closing and as I watched some people not make their way into the bus though there was still space, a man pointed out: “advocate for yourself man, don’t just let the doors close on you”. That was a revelation. Instead of running to get the bus driver’s attention or thumping on the door to get someone to activate the sensor, the people on the outside just stood there looking defeated. Sucky things in life happen. Always. I can promise you that. But it really is about whether or not you’re willing to stand up for yourself. To advocate for what you want or to forge the opportunities that don’t exist yet. Because as they say if you don’t want to sink, you better learn how to swim.